The Struggle Is Real

For me, art has always been about joy. I create things because doing so makes me feel good. It makes me smile. It soothes my nerves and keeps me calm. Much of my life has been spent in the throes of chaos and it has been in those times especially where I find the most relief and pleasure from art.

When I finally decided to make my works public though, I noticed a change. It wasn’t immediate, but bit by bit, I noticed each project I began seemed to take a little longer. More frustration started to creep in. I acquired the sudden inability to make decisions in my artwork — especially in the middle stages — and it started to make my work stagnant and uninteresting, even to me.

WHY? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

After a bit research and reflection, I came to the realization that it was the combination of several things. First, the mere act of being observed often changes the nature of the observed. This is known as the Hawthorne Effect and it makes perfect sense. Am I making art for my own well being or am I making art for the approval and attention of the masses? Second, by putting my works out there to be observed, I’m inviting ridicule as much as I am celebration. I didn’t go to art school. I couldn’t write an informed essay on Cubism. Now everyone’s gonna know how dumb I really am on some of these subjects. Finally, riding on the coattails of the aforementioned reasons, I also have a nasty case of impostor syndrome.

Whew.

Okay.

Well, I imagine I’m not the first artist to go through any of this. But I have to remind myself to create art that I am interested in. I have to create things that I want to see. If I want to enjoy what I’m doing, then I have to do what I enjoy. I often find myself second guessing decisions or making choices based on what I think OTHER people would like or want. Where is the fun in that? Where is the joy? The comfort?

So I didn’t go to art school, so what. Probably saved myself a lot of money that way. I know how to put paint on canvas and ink on paper, so if some art critic doesn’t like my stuff, who the fuck cares? Art is subjective. My work ain’t gonna be for everyone. That’s okay. To be honest, I don’t really get Cy Twombly. I think his work is shit. That didn’t seem to stop him from being a world class artist. I respect that! Did he ever think of himself as an impostor?

I doubt it. But if he did, he’d be in good company. Impostor syndrome is something many successful people go through. When I went through the worst of it, I was a personal trainer working 60 hours a week changing lives. I owned my own gym. I was successful in every regard in the fitness industry yet still thought of myself as an impostor at times. Eventually, I learned that was just a thinking problem, not an actual problem. And I truly believe that people who care about their work and the mark it leaves on others are more prone to second-guessing themselves than those who don’t care as much. Also, as a trainer, I used to tell my clients all the time: if you run, you’re a runner, no matter the speed. If I make art, I’m an artist damn it, shitty or not.

Yes, the struggle is real, but it’s also mostly contrived in your head — er, my head. Our heads?

Do you. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. Make sure those blinders are on and remember that even though the struggle is real, the fix is too.