You suck.
You’re a loser.
I hate you.
These are just some of the frequent messages I hear from the voice inside my head. Sometimes this voice becomes so incessant and so grinding that the pronouns switch and before I know it I’m repeating:
I suck.
I’m a loser.
I hate myself.
My point in revealing this embarrassing personal truth is not to seek attention. I don’t care about attention. If no one reads this, I’ll be okay. This is mostly for me and if I can help someone else along the way then that’s a bonus.
It also isn’t a cry for help. I’m not in danger of hurting myself or anything like that. Rather, it is just another step in my on-going journey of being honest and authentic in self assessment towards self improvement. Following this path will help me grow (I hope) and make me a better person as I work towards my goal of being a full time working artist.
This self-loathing dick of a voice in my head has been there my entire life. And this isn’t the first time I have mentioned my battle with it. But in reading Rick Rubin’s The Creative Act: A Way of Being, I was reminded that that voice I hear — the one constantly kicking my ass and ridiculing me for every little thing — is not really my voice.
More often than not, these are outer voices that were absorbed early in life. Perhaps a critical or doting parent, teacher, or mentor. These voices are not our own. We have internalized someone else’s judgement. So it can be met with the same indifference as the other random chatter.”
-Rick Rubin, The Creative Act: A Way of Being
I am sure I have heard this before. If I did, I forgot. And reading this was a welcome reminder to set things straight: these voices are not my own.
My childhood was full of drama, chaos and vitriol. There were good moments too, but a lot of what I remember and focus on seems to be negative. These negative voices come from that era I’m sure. I have to remind myself of this, especially when I’m stuck trying to get out of bed repeating dickish jerkazoid mantras that don’t help anyone with anything!
Get up! Live! Let’s go!
That’s the voice I need to be listening to. So far one of the best ways I have found to shut this voice up is to focus on gratitude. This topic comes up often in my meditation practice and I have to admit, taking just a few minutes a day to be grateful for all that I have and can experience in my life goes a long way in shutting up that dickhead who snuck in my brain eons ago.
Because the truth is: things could be so much worse. And they’re not. I have a roof over my head. I have a family who loves and supports me. And I have no ties to anyone or anything at this point in my life, freeing me to chase my dream of being an accomplished working artist. I got no one to stop me. I am taking this all the way.
Plus I live in Texas.
Yee ha!!!
Do you deal with negative self talk too? How do you combat it? Tell me in the comments!