Since October of last year, I have been participating in a live portrait painting group that meets twice a month at the Conroe Art League. And every time on cue, about an hour before we meet, I am overwhelmed with deadening fear. It’s the type of fear that convinces me to make other plans, to come up with an excuse for not going. It’s strong and it’s real and it’s a fear I have met before… as a boxer.
From 2011 to 2019, if you couldn’t find me out running somewhere, I was probably at the boxing gym. I was obsessed. And despite the overwhelming fear that hijacked my brain twice a week, I stubbornly plowed through it, hoping it would eventually go away.
It didn’t. Back then, Tuesdays and Saturdays were my sparring days, which meant I was going to be fighting someone, or many someones. As expected, I came home with my share of black eyes and headaches, but nothing bothered me more than the fear I had to face in anticipation of each fight. It’s been a couple of years since I retired from the ring. And one thing I do not miss at all is that crippling fear.
But, surprise! Now I’m feeling it again! And I feel it in anticipation of painting in front of others… of all things. Painting.
Painting. Fighting. Not quite the same. So what is the fear for? Upon analysis, it does make sense. I’m putting myself out there on display. Ripe for critique. For all to see. And though the consequences in live painting aren’t physically painful or debilitating, the psychological and emotional stress is just the same.
Like most artists, I too, fear the criticisms of others. I fear being unable to capture the likeness of a subject. If the sitter can’t see him or herself in my painting, then the emotional devastation I feel is the same as falling victim to a knockout.
But then, just as it was in boxing, as soon as the bell rings to start the event, all fear is gone — replaced 100% by instinct and technique.
During my boxing career, there were many matches where I couldn’t remember any details of the fight — times where it all happened so fast and I was so in the moment that time ceased to exist. Thankfully, the exact same thing happens for me during a live portrait painting. The time just flies! I’m in the moment! In it to win it!
And then, once it’s over, just as it is was in a fight, a large sense of relief and achievement settles in. I get a dopamine hit for being finished, especially if the sitter likes what I’ve produced and I will ride on the coattails of that high for as long as possible.
My coach used to say, “The day you aren’t nervous with fear before a fight is the day you need to stop fighting.” Fear is there for a reason. It reminds us that the stakes are high in whatever we’re about to do. It tells us that we should care. And if you look around, your peers probably feel it too.
What smacks you with fear and how do you get over it? Tell me in the comments!
My fear is my kids not being happy 😊
Well not much you can do to control that, but I understand what you mean. I think! 🙂
Whenever I am fearful, I look for someone or something to love. Love and fear cannot reside together. My bridge from fear to love is gratitude. I am grateful for what I have, not what I want. Everyday is a gift that I cherish.
Wow. What a beautiful way to work through it, Ed. Thanks for sharing! I will have to try that myself.
Your blog is very much in line with a message I heard from a friend in Oklahoma that does a live feed every week . He said in our Faith we are taught to not be led by our emotions, fear being one of our emotions. This week he said that sometimes we need to be aware of our emotions because they are targeting issues within us that we need to be attentive to. . Not give into them but use them for sharpening our faith walk. I guess it’s a timely theme for me to ponder. As far as art and artistic interpretations, I think it is different for every person. It’s also normal to be nervous in a personal service such as portraits. You want to please the subject and you are exposing your vulnerability. As ‘They’ say, you can please all of the people some of the time…… but you can’t please all of the people all of the time ..
Thanks for sharing, Rebecca. Some good points indeed.
It never fails to amaze me that we can still feel fear leading up to a situation, even though we know we have got through that same situation many times before. I’m also amazed that, in the midst of the fear, I can forget to remind myself that I’m always ok once it starts!
Great post, Jeff.
I know, it’s like we have to teach ourselves all over again each time. Can be exhausting! 😜
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